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[November 27, 2009 @ 2:42am] |
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The worst pain in the world, is to think that you don't love me anymore.... </3
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| I don't think i can do this all on my own. |
[March 03, 2009 @ 9:21pm] |
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I'm depressed, this much is true. Those people who said think outside the box, probably don't know what ti's like being rapped inside one. it's hard to think of life being anything but these days.
I wish i could enjoy myself a lot more. Be generally happy, or atleast content. Especially for Ikey. Is it possible that i purposely search for the bad in everything i see? Or am i just jaded, and that's all i can see? It's hard to believe i could feel or think anything but what i do now... Even if it hurts, atleast it's familiar right? Maybe thats why i like it, being sad keeps me from having to change? I know life should be about things that i can do, not what i should be doing. But i'm either being too selfish or worrying about what other people think to apreciate that notion. The world is a scary place, and i don't like it. I don't like feeling. That's it. I want to feel real, like a normal person does. But i hate to feel real. To be.... Oblivious. It's funny, i wish for that most. But to become oblivious i would have to deny myself the many guards i have, the cautiousness and fears. Without it, it's as if i'm that one step closer to not existing. It's almost as if i would lose consiousness of myself. So to gain happiness, i fear that i would lose consiousness of the world around me, and that scares me because just about anything can happen. I would have nothing to protect myself with. I suppose i abuse this fear, i use it to keep away from those around me i love the most. I don't trust, i push away. I don't want to get close, i don't want to feel. If i feel, then i'm exposed. I don't like feeling exposed. Sometimes i think when it happens, i block out that emotion that made it happen, and in turn whenever there is a moment that should have made me happy, i deny myself that joyus tingle inside my belly and instead all i feel is empty. Then the feeling never comes back again.
I also think that i use things like cleaning the apartment to get a moment of that happiness to share with myself, since it's not shared with anyone else and it's such a fleeting moment that it's pretty much nothing. But because i still crave to feel real and to have happiness i turn cleaning the house up into something much more than cleanliness, it becomes a tool for my emotions. If the place is cluttered and disgusting then i feel tired and disgusting, angry, unsatisfied. If it's clean and tidy then i feel like i can breathe easier, i can open myself up a bit more to relax and stay calm for the time being. It may be just a simple subconsious cry for help, i can't really tell.
If anything, i just wish i could enjoy the moments i have with Ikey more. I'm always lonely without him, but when i'm with him i never show it, i'm never content or satisfied, i never seem to be generally happy around him. I'm always finding a way to be unhappy, to get a way out of feeling. Especially around him.
Lately it's not just fear or sadness. It's anger too. Sometimes i get so mad over the smallest insignificant thing that it consumes me and it's all i can think about till i tell someone what's bothering me. And then when i do i have to draw it out, to make sure the point is clear and that the person i'm angry at knows or atleast understands how angry it made me feel and that they are guilty enough for me to let it go. If they're feeling horrible because they did it, then i'm satisfied that they understand and are feeling a similar horrible feeling so in turn i can feel better. It's horrible, and the only person i really end up doing that to is Ikey. And it's not like i do it on purpose, it's just what i do. I try to not do it sometimes, but i feel so angry about that one little thing that i just have to do it, i guess to make them understand that i'm hurt. I hate that. And i really, really hate that i do that to him.
He says that what's going on with me is just stress, but it feels way too complicated to be just stress. Stress is something that should come and go, and be able to go away easily with simple ways of expending the stress. This, this doesn't go away. It doesn't want to go away, i can't make it go away. Even if i didn't have to worry about money right now, i would still have trouble finding a way to stay happy on a daily basis.
I'm afraid to do anything about it though, since there is no way i could explain to my doctor how i'm feeling, other than by showing him this. But this is so raw, that it'd be embarrasing and he's a complete stranger. I don't want a counseler either. It's hard enough trying to portray any sort of emotion in a life situation without having to explain it to a stranger sitting in an office. Even the words i write in LiveJournal doesn't seem to encompass the massive feelings i get when i think about everything i've already written. It's really hard to think that you're the only one who can feel like this, to feel these sorts of emotions so strongly. In my mind other people are just as similar as playdough. You can't feel what they're feeling they can't understand or feel what you're feeling. And feeling hurts. It's raw and it's painful and it's always there, always deep in your stomach. I think that's why i'm so incapable of fully loving Ikey. Because in full reality all he is to me is just playdough, and the only thing that matters completely is the feelings that i feel, because it's all that i can feel. That's probably why i've been so selfish lately...
I wish i could just figure out what i want in life. At the moment i feel as if my life has no point, no direction. I have no passion, no goal, no need for anything except for the basic things. I don't need company, i don't need material things, i don't need money besides surviving, i don't need sex. I just want to be, i just want to sleep. And for most people, they have their passions that take them places in life and they build careers and families around those passions. For me, all that i've ever really wanted was love. Equality. I continuously picture that sign i saw on my third grade classroom door and my life has been built around that one philosophy. And it has made me a good person, and it has made me a bad person. It's given me hope and it's also torn my life apart. But if i could have anything in life that is still based around that one though i had, i would want it to be Ikey. I want him to be all that i need and want. I want to wrap my life around him and together we can be happy and go places in life, and build happy memories around each other. Spending my life with him, he would be my passion. And i don't see anything wrong with that. I know i can't build a career out of love, but i can definatly be happy i know.
But the problem with that mentality, that passion i want to have is that i'm the only one who seems to agree with it. He looks at it and takes away from it that i can't be my own person, and he seems to feel as if it's a huge responsibility on his part. So because of this, i taught myself to be independant from him. To think about myself for a change instead of him, instead of us. I think because of this mostly, is why i'm pushing so far away from him, why it's not easy to confide in him or to generally love him without question, without guilt, without consequence. I wish i could go back to the way it was before, to feel as if i'm allowed to be passionate about it again, it's all i really want in my life. I just wish that he believed in that too. It hurts, because this is the only thing that i can really, truely say that i feel passionate about. True love, love at first sight, all those silly romantical things he claims he doesn't believe in. The only problem with that is i pretty much base my life around that, it's like... My belief system.
In the end, i think the only way i can start to think positively is if the people around me allow me to think positive. I think i subconsiously change according to what people say about me. I was told that i was a selfish person, also inconsiderate and so on. I feel as if i became that person. I was told that i should learn to hold onto a grudge, and so i have. I gained a fat complex because my mother constantly told me i was fat, even though i knew she was redicioulos and i was thin as a rail.
It seems as if i'm very impressionable, and maybe if i knew the good things about me and i heard those on a daily basis then i would become the old me, the happy, crazy, generous, sweet, loving me i wish i was again. The person who didn't give a crap about what her friends were gossiping about, and gave everyone in her friend circle a chance instead of basing her feelings towards them on word of mouth. Then maybe i'd be exciting and interesting again.
Or would i just become concieded?
All i know is, i don't think i can do this all on my own.
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| Discover the world of... Nerd Bling |
[November 07, 2008 @ 8:32pm] |
I google image searched "Geek Bling" to get some cool ideas for Ikey's christmas present. Now i want them. <3
Nerd cuff links. I wouldn't mind these at my wedding. (Save for the cell phones. ick. )
They're floppy disks. AND coasters. :D
They're power button earrings. :D
The caption for this one was, "USB Bunnies, doin what they were born to do."
I want a PS2 controller pendant! ;o ;
I thought these were really neat.
Tis ugly, but hilarious.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiney USB. <3
Shiny dice. ^___^
Lora Croft Mosaic made out of bling: http://www.gamefreax.de/images/Lara%20Croft_Bling360.jpg
HOMGOMGOMGOMG! COMPANION CUBE EARRINGS! <3 <3 <3
Pixel jewelry! :O
KIRBY EARRINGS!!!!
And now i leave you with the cutest stuffed robot ever!
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| We're Moving Out!!! |
[October 25, 2008 @ 11:01pm] |
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Hurray! So Ikey and i have found an apartment we like. It's a higher price than what we were hoping for, but it was exactly what we were looking for. It's downtown, pretty much right behind my job and it's in a nice, quiet area. It's a highrise building that's adult only so no kids, and mostly seniors so i won't have trouble with noisy neighbors. It's all inclusive and the landlord is nice and promising. They're going to re-do a lot of things before we move in including re-painting everything. There's plenty of space for Ikey and i and we'll have a lot of storage, no carpets it'll be parkay flooring. It even has the double sinks i was looking for in the kitchen. :)
Anyway. So we're getting ready to put our application in, (We're kind of waiting on Anton. :S ) and as soon as we hear that we've been accepted i'm going to start packing up! It'll be ready for us Dec 1rst. And i believe we'll be getting a higher floor, so we'll have a great view of the city. If anyone knows of the buidling, i believe it's called, "Sheridan Place." So now i'm busy looking at furniture. ^________^ Ikey and i have a lot that we need already. There are two main things that i'm hoping to get for the place that'll have to come out of some random spot of my budget, i don't know. We need a TV stand because our dressers need to be in our bedrooms. And possibly an island/miniature table for in the kitchen. 
So here's what i want my TV stand to look like. We don't have a flat screen, so it's going to have to be wide or have no back to the main TV space. We have a lot of anime figurines that i've been dying to put on display, plus i want to be able to break out my manga. So having shelving units to stick our stuff in would be great. I was hoping for more of a display case sort of thing, but it seems to me that a TV set like this is pretty rare. The only way i'd probably get something along these lines would be to get the base (The part the TV is actually sitting on) and then two seperate shelves on the side. I'm hoping to scrounge around some garage sale type places to see what sort of deals i can get on this.
The kitchen table thinger isn't actually going to be a table we can sit at. I just need it for extra counter space. It's sort of a thing i don't need to worry about right away, but still something i want to look at. :3
 
Having a fold out table or one on wheels might be good too.
Besides furniture, Ikey and i really need pots and pans and cutlery, but after that we're pretty much set. I'm really excited, but because of the move i'm going to have to work overtime a lot, and for almost 6 to 10 months to take care of everything on my budget. Hopefully i don't go insane.
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| MSN Conversations |
[October 22, 2008 @ 9:50pm] |
FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: Hello *~ Yaviyo ~* says: hey. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: Whats up? *~ Yaviyo ~* says: writing out more story while waiting for matt to do the same with script and send to me *~ Yaviyo ~* says: you? FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: Ikey just left me to go to a concert down at the spill. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: We were trying to make a night out of it he cooked for me and cleaned and did laundry and he was just starting to snuggle...sort of... and then the text messages came and they came and took him to the show. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: We're not the same anymore.. *~ Yaviyo ~* says: who are 'they'? FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: Ikey's friends. John's girlfriend i think and his sister is in town. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: Well he said he wants to spend as much time with her as possible cus she's in town. *~ Yaviyo ~* says: you didn't want to go with him? FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: But even when we're home alone we're not together anymore. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: I couldn't i need to shower in a few minutes and get ready for bed. *~ Yaviyo ~* says: that's understandable that he wants to spend time with her, but you guys still need your time together. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: I have to do 12 hours for the next couple of days each day so i can make sure we can afford this apartment. *~ Yaviyo ~* says: isn't he helping toward that? FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: He will once he starts getting a paycheck. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: But i've been asking this for weeks and it sounds like a lot of people think i'm being posessive maybe. They think i hate them cus i don't hang out anymore cus i work and sleep and try to get close to Ikey again. *~ Yaviyo ~* says: Omg. Fuck them. I completely understand what you mean and it's not being possessive in the least. People need their time with their significant others, and they NEED to work at a relationship. Sure you live together, but thats it. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says:I know i keep trying to tell Ikey that it feels like we're not in a relationship anymore. We've almost come to a point where we were about to take a break. *~ Yaviyo ~* says: i don't blame you for feeling the way you do. *~ Yaviyo ~* says: Did you guys actually talk about that? FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: We'll have cry fests where i'll try to tell him how i feel, but in the end the same thing sort of happens where he ends up talking about how his life is really hard and he's a horrible person and he tries but it all seems to be because i'm never really satisfied or happy with anything. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: I'm starting to feel that maybe i'm just always angry. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: And then it just goes around in a circle again. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: To be honest i haven't been doing my part that much either. But i used to a lot, and i still do a little. It's just like i've given up. *~ Yaviyo ~* says: Neither of you guys are a victim in that kind of concept and shouldn't try to make it seem that way, it sounds like you both just need more from the other, and maybe that isn't possible to give, but that has to be decided one way or another. *~ Yaviyo ~* says: obviously if your not happy like this something has to change. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: I think what he wants from me is more support but it's hard when he's stuck on certain concepts of how life should work and since for the past three years he hasn't really been too reliable for much of anything except for the time we lived in ottawa i can see where it's reasonable that i've lost faith in him and his capabilities and i show him all the time that his choices make me worried and i know i'm going to have to carry most of it on my shoulders too. FoR eVeRyDaY yOu'Re In ThIs PlAcE yOu'Re 2 dAyS nEaReR dEaTh... BuT yOu Go... says: I keep thinking that maybe living on our own will fix things but it may just make it worse.
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[October 21, 2008 @ 12:01am] |
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So it feels like my life is falling apart. About last week or so i lost my wallet. It had all my ID in it and every card i've ever owned. I've finally given up waiting to see if it will turn up and decided to do something about my missing information. First day i knew it was gone i took care of my credit cards, no one had used them. They've been canceled out and new ones will be sent to me.
But my identity was in my wallet. Someone could be posing as me, opening accounts and getting loans in my name, maybe even using my health card and bringing up debt in my name, they could be ruining my credit rating and i don't even know it.
So i'll have to go get a new Social number, but in order to do that i need photo ID. In order to get photo ID, i need to fill out an application, bring two pieces of documentation proving my address and get someone who has known me for atleast six years to sign that documentation (my doctor). Then i have to pay for all of this. In order to get my Social i also need my birth certificate.
Now the problem with that is that it can take months for me to get all of this back, in fact JayMac said he thinks remembers that it could take alteast six months to get my birth certificate. Which is something i think i'm going to need to get my passport.
I need my passport done within the next five months so i can go to Shane's wedding.....
.......
I need my social number, and possibly other ID so Ikey and i can get approved for an apartment building.
........................
If someone IS using my identity, this could create problems with opening my store in the future.
... And in order to FIX all this i need to take time off work because government buildings aren't open on weekends. And i need to keep working so i can afford this trip and this apartment. And so i can afford to get my buisness lisence. I can't continue to call in sick, because it could also jepordize my job.
And Mom thinks that the MP will do something about this. I highly doubt the MP is going to bother with getting someone's identification back.
Ugh. And now i am just fucking things up with Ikey. Fucking great.
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| Severly broken and pissed off and ready to cry!! |
[October 04, 2008 @ 3:12am] |
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Remember that pretty little pink cell phone i posted about a while ago? Well i'm never going to get it. And i'm probably not going to get my money back either.
I ordered the phone July 8th. On the 17th i recieved an e-mail telling me that my order was on back order. Which i thought, well that's fine i don't mind waiting. Well i waited. And i even sent them an e-mail, to which they contacted me back to reasure me that i'll be getting my phone. Unfortunatly it's been three months now and i haven't gotten my phone. Within the past month or so i've been sending multiple e-mails, along with calling every possible number i could find on the website that told me i would get to talk to customer service, which unfortunatly only led me to an automated system telling me that the only way i can get in contact with them would be to e-mail them on the website. Which is impossible because if you've already e-mailed them, that's your "Ticket" and it never gets closed, so even if you continute to try to send multiple complaints or tickets or e-mails if you've already done one before thats it thats the only one you can send notices to. And of course they don't respond to you at all.
After finally reviewing the website tonight i find out that they are yes, a fraudulent website. I've found multiple responses detailing everything i've been going through in the past three months, and it seems as if the only way to get their money back is to file for a refund through their bank. Which Cellular Blowout detailed in their messages, "Please don't file for a refund with your credit card company, as this will cause a delay in getting your money back." I've learned that this is only a ploy to earn them more time. Unfortunatly from the sounds of things i may be possibly too late. I've called my bank as soon as possible when i got home tonight but the department i need is not open, so i sent an online message and will be calling back tomorrow.
I'm so pissed off and discouraged about this whole thing that i'm about ready to just break down and cry. My credit card is so full that i have no idea what to do anymore. Threatening legal action with this website isn't going to do anything, and i'm $300 down the tubes. Not to mention that i've got a whole other $300 or so i need to deal with from my old job, and it pains me to say that i may just have to threaten legal action aganst McDonalds to get my paycheck back. I'm so upset right now, i don't know what to do anymore....
Here's a review i found online:
" My son ordered a phone on 5/31/08 and my banking account was debited on 6/02/08. The name on my bank statement said "BadAss Wireless." That raised a red flag to me...thot the company was called Cellular Blowout. On 6/06/08, we received an email that the phone was on back order. They seemed very professional in their correspondence stating 'Thank you for your business. The order you had placed,(and they gave an Order #) is on backorder and we are working hard to get it shipped out to you.' They went on to say how overwhelmed they were with customer responses. They said they would offer us a free car charger for the inconvenience. The email had a phone number : 818-889-1789 prompt 3. I have called it numerous times and one gets a recording that they are not taking phone calls that day and to please correspond via email. They also ask you not to send more than one email as that might prolong their response. We received another email order status on 6/17/08 stating the order had not shipped yet but was in fulfillment. It also stated,'however, should you wish to cancel your order and be refunded, please call 818-889-1789 ext. 216. I even tried punching in ext. numbers close to this one to see if I could get a real life person, but no success.In bold letters this email also said, "Please do not call your credit card company to ask for refund as this may cause a delay in your refund." [I have since learned that this delay tactic is to buy them time, and it is more difficult for the credit card company to get your money back after 30 days of purchase.] we cancelled our order on 6/18/08 due to frustration on waiting and inability to talk to anyone. We received another email that acknowledged the order had been cancelled and to please allow 10-14 days for the refund to be issued. When it did not come in those 15 days and I still could not reach them, I talked to my bank. I had made copies of all emails and documented each attempt to contact them. My banker found a Colorado number attached to the debit and told me to first try calling it. That number is 818-571-6513...No surprises there. The recording stated, "This is a non-working number, please call 818-889-1789 and hit prompt 3." I hope to get my money back. My banker seems certain. But he says timing is crucial. Do not let these creeps keep your money. Go and file. My banker says I have 60 days from the date of receipt of my bank statement that showed the charges deducted. It is sad to think a company can remain online. The website is so convincing, and has articles that discuss it. Wish I had googled it before I tried to buy it. Never order from Cellular-Blowout.com "
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| Missing you...That's all... v.v |
[October 01, 2008 @ 3:22am] |
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I really want to write something right now, because i know i'm not feeling happy. But there's so much going on that it's really hard to pinpoint exactly why i'm feeling so down. I would assume that most of it has to do with the fact that i haven't been able to see Ikey that much. For so long i was able to go to bed with him there to say goodnight and tuck me in, but coming home to him sleeping really bothers me for some reason, and i should be used to it, or atleast be able to get over it quickly considering that we both live together and it's not really a big deal. But i suppose i need that sort of interaction instead of just curling up beside him and hugging him. Maybe i'm just really selfish. I don't know.
What i do know is that i haven't been doing much like that for him lately. I suppose that's another thing that comes when you live together. Snuggle time just isn't the same, and you don't need to jump up and hug him and not let go for a good five minutes like you used to because..Well because you can hug him any time you wanted to...You just...Don't.
And there are those things that get in the way. Chores...Sleep...Friends...Computer, TV, Video games...And as much as i like to say i've had my time with Ikey and we spend time together, and we do, it just isn't satisfying me. I still feel lonely and as if there could be more to this...This whatever we have. What frusterates me the most is that there are those who just don't seem to understand what i mean when i say that they get more time with him than i do. Atleast they get more interaction.
The horrible part is that while i do need him and i need that personal time with him i do need my own personal time. And because he lives with me i mix in the two together, so the first thing i go to besides giving him his greeting is the computer. So i can relax. But the thing that makes me want to cry about that is i used to be able to run to him to relax. And a lot of the time he would already be doing something of his own, so it's not as if i can stop that just so we can lie around and stare at the ceiling together.
And we talk, we do. But it feels more like fleeting words than actual conversations. But really how much can you say to each other when he's focused on doing things on the computer and i'm watching at TV show? There's no interpersonal contact there, no connection and that's what worries me.
There are times where i think to myself and i think, it'll be better later in our own place. But why? It'll give us more space to do the same thing we're doing now. More space could also mean in seperate rooms. Seperate rooms? Now that would be really hard.
The disturbing part is how satisfied he seems to be with this day to day routine we've set up for ourselves. He's so content in the fact that we spend more time doing our own thing that he considers it the same as spending time together. Being in the same room doesn't mean your spending time together. Especially if the two of you are always focused on other things.
And what hurts the most is when i try and get us to get that connection again together. And i ask for us to spend a day together, maybe two. And he gets upset or i get shot down for the second day because apparantly just one day should be enough. Shouldn't he want more like i do? And it hurts because of the way he handles it. Its like he can go about whatever he wants whenever he wants until it comes down to actual personal time with me and it seems like such a chore to fit me in his busy schedule, and when i point that out it's as if the entire world has crashed down around him and he starts to mope. And i know what's coming next and it isn't us talking about how we can fix us. He mopes and he starts crying about how he thinks he's such a horrible person, then goes on to talk about the stress in his life with his drawing and his work and the lack of time he's had to do either and the pressure of his goals and the pressure of trying to accomplish them when he's got so much other things to worry about at the same time, and in the end and not even at the begging of it, none of it has to do with us.
And it hurts. Because at that point i become completely blank, and i force myself to tell him it's going to be alright, and i'll be here to take care of him even though inside i'm screaming "WHY CAN'T YOU BE HERE FOR ME?! Instead of going to elan or to Mike's or for rockband which will be there forever you can wait till your next day off you can stop playing that game for a day it'll be there tomorrow why can't you just stop one day and look at me and go, "I don't want to play games today, i just want to spend the day lying in your arms, and learning more about you." how come it always has to come down to why you have it so hard, when all i wanted was just some time alone? "
The worst part is always, always after this he goes straight to his parents for advice. As if whatever encouragement i gave him the night before isn't enough, and i know it isn't advice about our relationship where the entire hardship had started in the first place. Of course not.
It has been getting better. Slowly, but it's getting better. And don't get me wrong i'm happy with the way we are now... I'm grateful for the rose he gave me recently, and we had nights where we snuggled together while we watched TV. But i would feel that connection a lot more if it didn't feel like it was such a task for him half the time, and if he actually out and suggested these things himself...
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[September 16, 2008 @ 8:41pm] |
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I'M FAT!
I'm fat and bloated and i can't stop drinking soda i just fucking can't there's no possible way i'd feel satisfied with anything else and it's just so easy to eat the things i've been eating lately there's nothing else i really want anymore and even still i'm starting to feel bored with what i'm eating it's everyday i slowly and slowly stop eating certain things till eventually i'll barely be eating anything that's reasonably considered food but i can't stop eating it and i just look at myself and i feel so ugly and my face is broken out with pimples everywhere and i can't even get my ass off my couch to clean up my room let alone exercise.
I hate living here i feel crowded and suffocated by her and her horrible suffocatting, controlling, selfish ways i hate having to live under her rule again and slowly and slowly shes still getting to me i hate her and i hate how shes doing the same thing she did to me with Ashley and i hate how i'm the one who's always in trouble for something despite the fact that Ikey and Ashley are fully capable of doing these things yet it always falls on me and i hate that even though she runs around the house doing whatever the fuck she wants with the electricity while i get yelled at for trying to dry my laundry.
I hate it here i hate it here the room gets smaller and smaller everyday there's no room for anything and it seems as if i'm the only one who even cares there's nothing to put anything and it all sits out everywhere and its all over the tables and the floor and i hate it worse than i did in Ottawa i can't concentrate i can't live i can't be happy in this room i hate it i hate how i have to compromise like this when there would be perfect space for things if only we were able to organize things that we don't even use half the time and its always messy and a clean room barely lasts an hour and the table is so dirty and i haven't even cleaned the shower and the toilett in a while and i haven't vaccumed and the fucking pantry is covered in saw dust because of moms renovations and its been like that for a week and i still haven't done shit all about it because i look around and i can't even find a reason why i should clean it because it'll just get dirty again.
And i hate work i hate it so much i used to think i could get my anger out there except it just makes me hate myself more because i feel as if i'm a huge bitch and i can't stop yelling about stupid customers and i can't stop being angry and it just makes me feel like shit because i just get yelled at all day and i can't stop thinking about how this is just purgatory till i can get my own shop but more and more i just keep thinking about how thats just a pipe dream and that its never going to happen i'll never be able to figure out how to get a buisness plan going and how to convince the DBA and how to get all the distributors i need for all the product i need and how to get all the statistics i need that show why i need so much money and i don't even know if i know if i'm going to be able to run a buisness or price things properly and everything that comes with a buisness and what if it doesn't even make it at all will i even survive a bankrupcy? And what if Mat doesn't get back to me by the time the shop i want is available and what if i can't even get a shop downtown like i want or what if Mat can't even get the information we need or what if he never gets back to me or what if our idea for the shop completely bombs or what if he decides that he doesn't want to do it anymore or what if we can't even get the money we need for this?
And what about my money all i have is what i'm going on a bi-weekly basis my credit card gets higher and higher and i can't stop spending my money but i need things like clothes and people keep wanting to do things but my budget doesn't even give me that option and all i want to do is break out on my own and get my own place and my own kitten and more space and more freedom with Ikey but i can't do that because i'm tied down with my debt and the huge trip that decided to happen right when i decided that i wanted to do my own thing.
And the trip makes me sad too because its my first time seeing the ocean and ikey won't even be there he can't afford it and i can't afford it but i really want to go and i really want him to go i can't get stuck with my family for an entire week especially if they want me to drink and it would have been so romantic to walk the beach alone with him and i really wanted him to be there to help me take my pictures and i would have really needed his support for my first real photo shoot since i really appreciate his opinion but he's not even going and i want him to go so bad that i'm even considering paying for him but i can't do that i can't afford that and he can't afford to pay me back i don't even know if he'll be able to afford living alone with me....
Sigh....
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| I DID NOT MAKE THIS. But i did lol. :D |
[September 02, 2008 @ 8:49pm] |
This is the fairy tale that shuld have been read to use when we were little:
Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shoes of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: "Elegant Lady,
i was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and i will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that i am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so."
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't fuckin' think so."
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[August 15, 2008 @ 12:17pm] |
Here are some updates:
So right now at Teleperformance i'm on my last day in the classroom. Monday and Tuesday we'll be in the class, but i think it's still TCC. We'll be going 7am to 3:30pm in TCC from Tuesday to Saturday after next week. I think TCC runs for about three weeks, and then we're finally on the floor.
I'm pretty nervous even though i've worked here before. It's mostly because i don't feel like i've retained anything about Flexpay and it's policies. Although i know i'll probably do good in the quality part. I think... After working in retail i've gotten a lot bitter and i don't think i'll be able to actually make myself care for the customer's issues like i used to.
My new pink cell phone STILL hasn't come. And i know that it's probably normal for something like this to take so long because i remember customers at TP getting upset when their phones are on back order. What i'm worried about is buyer's remorse and being cheated out of my money. How long do i wait before canceling the order and getting my refund? I've ordered the phone on the 8th of July. It should usually take a few days for them to put it in the mail and then for it to get to me, so considering that i don't believe it's been a month, but it's been a month since i've ordered the phone. What if i wait too long, and then they suddenly start saying that it was sent to me, and then i can't get my refund because it's past some sort of period.
Ugh... I want my phooone. ;___;
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| Budgets v. 3.5 |
[August 07, 2008 @ 8:17pm] |
Working on a budget again. My visa is in overdrafts. ((Atleast 200 over!! OMG.)) So i'm trying to work it out so that i bring it under this paycheck, but it doesn't seem to be working considering that i have to buy presents this week. Some of them i may have to delay till the end of the month, sadly. :(
Here's the main budget i'll be keeping on a monthly basis:
MONTHLY: 1360.00 /// BI-WEEKLY: 680 ((Roughly))
Rent - 150 /// 75
Groceries - 150 ((each)) /// 75
Trip - 400 /// 200
Rogers - 90 /// 45
Mum - 250 /// 125
Visa - 100 /// 50
TOTAL: 1140 /// 570
Total saved: 220 /// 110
I took away bus costs since i figure i live so close and i really want to work on losing weight so i'll put up with either walking or biking. Even during the winter. We'll see how far that goes.
Most of these estimates are overexagerated to make sure that i have money left over. Ikey and i are gunna be paying atleast $300 on a monthly basis for groceries, so that's 150 each, made out to 75 bi-weekly. So that's not so bad. I don't think we'd spend that much either.
Right now i think i'm going to put off getting Dan-O's and Jake's birthday presents, and getting them with my next paycheck. Ikey's gunna get his cell phone this weekend that i'm paying for and there's a late rogers bill that i have to pay the entire thing of. :/ That is till i get the amounts from the others...
Anyway, something solid for now. I hope i can stick to it. ((What am i gunna do for christmas? D: ))
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| Ideas for Shane and Kerstin's Wedding Photos |
[August 03, 2008 @ 10:56pm] |
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mood |
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excited |
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I'm just compiling up some images to give Shane and Kerstin an idea of what i might do for their wedding photo shoot. Just to get some sort of idea of what we're going to do and what they would like to do too. I think i'm gunna want a wide angle type lens for this. :D
Just a warning, this post is gunna be long and picture heavy.
First we'll think of details. Things like taking picture of the location, the empty church. Pictures of the flowers and the reception area where the invitation//seat arangement name tag thingers would be set up, details of the way the tables are set up.
Examples:
Then details of each other getting ready. The bride putting on her make up, details of the dress, dress hanging up before bride puts it on, pictures of the bridesmaid's shoes, picture of the boquet, picture of the dress getting zipped/done up, etc. Picture of the bride leaving the room, whatever.
Example:
Then picture of the guy getting ready, putting on his belt or his cufflinks. They don't have much to do so not much to go with there. Maybe close up of suit details. Pictures of the guys waiting outside church/ceremony area waiting for bride. Picture of hubby waiting at alter.
Examples:
Here's a list of things i can think of to take pictures of during the ceremony:
• Interior of the church (or other wedding site) with guests
• Lighting of church candles
• Parents and other honored guests being escorted to seats
• Entrance of minister (or other officiant), groom, and groomsmen
• Minister, groom, and groomsmen waiting at altar
• Entrance of bridesmaids (escorted or unescorted)
• Entrance of flower girl and ring bearer
• Entrance of bride and father (or other escort)
• Father giving away bride
• Various shots during the ceremony (usually without flash and from the back of the church, from balcony, or best available vantage point)
• Telephoto close-ups of bride, groom, and officiant at altar
• Wide-angle shots of entire wedding party at altar
• Special moments (such as bride and groom facing one another, lighting of unity candle, vows, ring exchange, kiss, presentation of bride and groom to the guests as new husband and wife)
• The recessional (bride and groom walking back down aisle, groomsmen escorting bridesmaids down the aisle) Then we'll get to the pictures of everyone leaving the church, go through the usual ritual of going to a certain location to take the large group pictures. Then after that if i'm able to i'll get the two alone and we'll go to several locations taking pictures of the two of them as newly weds, along with a few pictures of the bride and groom alone. This is where it can get really artistic.
Examples:
And thats all i got for ideas so far. Going through all these though i'm getting really nervous and reeeeally excited!! Only thing that makes me sad is... Who's going to do this for my wedding?????? ;____;
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| I HAVE A QUIZ/SURVEY/FUN JOURNAL THINGY!!! |
[August 01, 2008 @ 11:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crazy |
] |
This is my fun journal thingy. It only consists of you listing your ten top favorite songs like so:
1) "Dancing" by Elisa
And make sure to make the name of the song and artist clear. So what you do is you reply to this message with your ten top favorite songs so i can download them and make my music list not so sucky anymore.
Kay? Now.. GO!! YOU'RE ALL TAGGED IF YOU READ THIS AND SUCH!! Gogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogo!!!!!!!!!
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| Awsome Things on The Internet |
[August 01, 2008 @ 3:05pm] |
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So i'm looking through this one website i found called Perpetual Kid. (( www.perpetualkid.com )) There's a lot of really neat stuff, especially this: 
(( http://www.perpetualkid.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=2361 ))
Haha, it's about as big as a pop can and it plugs in via USB to keep your drink cool. If Teleperformance didn't have that policy where you can't plug things into your computer, i'd be using that thing every day!! :D
And then we have this:
Which is also cotrolled by USB. So it makes for happy fun times at work!! Lol. There's also a USB LED musical snow man, a flexible illuminated keyboard, ((To which Ikey had to point out we didn't need cus we have a laptop...)) a USB fan, lights, slippers and gloves that you can wear and plug into your USB drive to WARM them up. ((Tashi you're getting a pair for Christmas, lol!! ))
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[July 08, 2008 @ 3:56pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
Just a little bit of updates while i'm taking a break. It's Tuesday the 8th now, so three days in. Our room is starting to look habitable, although crowded. I suppose i should have expected that since Jake's area was always cramped too. If it wasn't for Ikey's drawing table though, the room would feel more spacious. Feng Shui artists would die in this room.
Most of the boxes and clutter are gone, a lot of them went up into the attic. I'm starting to put up our stuff, flags, calanders, figurines, etc. But i seem to be faced with a lack of space for those too. There's a space along the one wall that looks like a really small bench where i could put something, but our bed is there so they would have to be faced with being knocked over every night. I was thinking of digging out some of my Anime plushies to put along there, and setting up some of Ikey's figurines near the foot of the bed near his amp.
There is room along the top of the TV as well, but back in Ottawa my buddahs took up that whole space. I'm thinking maybe i'll pack them away until Ikey and i get more storage or until we get our own place. I'd rather have my anime figurines on display this time.
Plus there's the mini-shelf we have i could set things up on top of, that is if Ikey decides to remove all his clutter from off the top of it. Unfortunatly shelving space is limited for us at the moment. We've got a tiny one that barely holds all of our CD's, Movies and Games. Which is what i was hoping would solely go onto that shelf, but Ikey is fighting hard to keep his comics out, which i wouldn't mind so much if we had space for them. I wish he could understand that if we try to fit too much into one space, it'll end up getting messy, cluttered and uncontrollable. :( And the last thing i need is another cluttered and messy space. Today i also went to an interview at Teleperformance!! She said i was to come in for testing today, so i came in completely unprepared with no references at all. The tests were easy enough, besides the math area where some of the questions frusterated me to no end. ((Fractions?!)) I also winged the interview, but it seems that i'm getting the job anyway. I'm scheduled to come in for an hour for a "Job preview" where i double jack and get to see the call center envirionment. I have to do it since it's part of the procedure. At that point i'll probably be told where to meet for Orientation, etc. She also told me that training starts July 21rst, so with all the information given me, it's good to assume i got the job. Which is also good, since i seem to be running short of money and i'm going mainly on my visa. Don't worry though, i'm taking it easy. But i did buy a cellphone, since it is something i need for the next few weeks. I bought it online and it should arrive in the next couple of days, hopefully.
 Isn't it pretty?!?! ^___^ It's unlocked, so it should run under any service provider. I'm so excited!!!
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| We're Here!!! |
[July 06, 2008 @ 12:04am] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
Hooray!! Today i woke up at 9:25, right when the guys came to help us move. Unfortunatly we weren't able to go get the truck until 2:00. So we fooled around until then. The place was out at 3990 Prince of Whales Dr. in Ottawa. Took quite a bit to get out there, especially when there's construction at one point and there was a detour. Went to get the truck right when the previous driver was dropping it off. Unfortunatly we went to go take a look at the truck last, after doing all the paperwork and paying for it. As soon as we opened the cube of the truck we were met with a huge blast of FISH. The guy who had the truck last must have carried a ton of fish, or meat, or something similar because it smelled vile. And what's worse is that it's been sitting in the heat for a while i'm sure. There was dried blood on the floor. Since we had limited time i wasn't able to mop it out, but i febreezed the shit out of the truck before we put stuff in it. Along with the smell, we recieved the truck with only 1/4 tank of gas, which is weird because i'm told i have to fill it before i take it back. It's being returned with the exact amount i recieved it. Anyway we get everything packed up good, i think the only thing i forgot was my mirror but that's ok since Mom has a nice vintage one waiting for me here from my Grandpa. It filled up the truck pretty well too. The ride to PTBO was pretty awsome too. In the truck it was me, Matt and Tony who drove. We made a few pit stops along the way and during one of them we discovered that the truck was either from Arizona or Texas. ((Because of one way trips, the truck has been everywhere.)) Getting it all into Mom's basement seemed to be a breeze. Atleast for me it was. I didn't really move much along the entire trip. But we got it all in pretty fast, it was a bit disorganized but by that point i'm sure everyone's tempers were short and they were tired and just wanted to get it over and done with. It's now midnight and Ikey and i have arranged the room a bit, despite it being full of everything we own. We have a seperate room where our bed is supposed to be but it's not renovated and there is a buttload of cobb webs, earwigs keep showing up, and directly across the room is our shower and toilett. So we decided to do it the way my brother had it, and keep the bed in the renovated room meant to be our living room. Since my Mom has someone who'll be coming in soon to renovate the other room anyway, our living situation will have to be as thus for a while.
Ikey and i seem to already be butting heads a bit on how we want the room organized, but after we've unpacked the boxes and the other room gets cleaned out we'll be able to work out some sort of compromize. At the moment we've pretty much got most of it done for what we want to do tonight. Right now i'm washing out as much bed stuff as i can to get rid of the fishy smell, and i febreezed the pillows, mattress and couches. A lot of the stuff will have to wait for tomorrow to wash. :( I'm so exaughsted and i'm ready to snap. I hope i get some decent sleep tomorrow or i'm going to get short with Ikey all over again.
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